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𝗟𝗶𝗵𝗶𝗺 𝗻𝗶 𝗞𝘂𝘆𝗮 𝗝𝗮𝘆: 𝗔𝗻𝗴 𝗔𝗸𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗣𝗶𝗻𝘀𝗮𝗻

𝗟𝗶𝗵𝗶𝗺 𝗻𝗶 𝗞𝘂𝘆𝗮 𝗝𝗮𝘆: 𝗔𝗻𝗴 𝗔𝗸𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗣𝗶𝗻𝘀𝗮𝗻

Si Kuya Jay ay laging nakatawag ng atensyon sa aming pamilya. Matangkad, moreno, at napakaguwapo, siya ang tipong lalaki na laging tinitingnan ng mga babae—at kahit ng mga lalaki. Hindi ko maitatanggi na sa bawat reunion o kahit sa simpleng pagtitipon ng pamilya, palaging may isang bahagi ng aking isipan na hinahangaan ang kanyang anyo. Si Kuya Jay ay kilalang tahimik at medyo mailap. May aura siyang misteryoso, kaya naman hindi rin siya masyadong nagbabahagi ng personal na buhay niya sa amin.


Bilang isang discreet na bisexual, hindi rin lantad sa karamihan ang pagkatao ni Kuya Jay. Hindi siya umaamin o nagpapahayag tungkol sa kanyang oryentasyon, pero ramdam ko na may iba sa kanya. Minsan, naisip ko kung may pagkakataon ba na nagkakaroon siya ng lihim na relasyon o kung paano niya natutunan ang balanseng pamumuhay bilang isang discreet bisexual. Pero lahat ng iyon ay lihim, hanggang isang araw, nagkaroon ako ng pagkakataong malaman ang isang bagay tungkol sa kanya na hindi ko inaasahan.


Isang weekend, inimbitahan ako ni Kuya Jay na sumama sa kanilang bahay. May maliit na salu-salo ang kanilang pamilya at dahil magkakapitbahay lang kami, madalas akong napapadalas sa kanila. Pagdating ko, mainit na sinalubong ako ng pamilya nila, pero si Kuya Jay ay abala sa kanyang kwarto. Pagkatapos ng maikling salu-salo, napansin ko si Kuya Jay na tahimik na umakyat patungo sa kwarto niya, dala ang ilang gamit. Dahil sa matagal ko nang gusto siyang makausap tungkol sa ilang bagay, sinundan ko siya.


Pagdating ko sa kanyang kwarto, tahimik akong kumatok at binuksan niya ang pinto. "Oh, Ryan, pasok ka," sabi niya na may simpleng ngiti.


Pumasok ako sa loob ng kwarto at nakita kong kalat ang ilang damit sa kanyang kama. Mukhang nagliligpit siya, kaya tinulungan ko na rin siya. Habang nagliligpit kami, hindi ko mapigilang mapansin ang kakaibang bag na nakatago sa ilalim ng kama niya. Hindi ko sinasadyang matabig iyon at napansin kong bumukas ang zipper nito. Tumambad sa akin ang ilang bagay na hindi ko inaasahan—mga adult toys at lubricant na tila ginagamit ni Kuya Jay sa mga pribadong oras niya.

Napatigil ako at nagulat sa nakita ko. Si Kuya Jay, ang tahimik at seryosong pinsan ko, ay may mga ganitong gamit? Agad kong itinabi ang bag at tinignan siya, ngunit sa halip na magalit, nakita kong tila may ibang ekspresyon sa mukha niya. "Jay, sorry. Hindi ko sinasadya..." simula ko, pero pinutol niya ako.


"Okay lang, Ryan," malumanay niyang sabi. "Alam ko na magugulat ka, pero may mga bagay na hindi ko sinasabi sa kahit kanino, kahit sa pamilya."


Naupo ako sa gilid ng kama habang tahimik siyang nakatayo. "Matagal ko nang alam, Jay," amin ko. "I mean, may mga nararamdaman akong kakaiba, pero hindi ko inisip na ganito."


Lumapit siya sa akin at naupo sa tabi ko. "Hindi ko talaga sinasabi kahit kanino. Minsan, mas okay na tahimik na lang, lalo na sa ganitong klaseng buhay." Tumango ako, naiintindihan ang kanyang sinasabi.


"Pero bakit hindi mo sinabi sa akin?" tanong ko. "Magpinsan tayo, magkasama tayo palagi."


"Ryan, mahirap kasi eh," tugon niya, medyo nahihiya. "Alam mo, minsan hindi ko alam kung paano ko ito ipapaliwanag. Discreet ako, ayoko ng complications."


Habang nag-uusap kami, hindi ko maiwasang mapansin ang katawan ni Kuya Jay. Ang malalaking braso niya at ang katawan niyang batak sa gym ay lalong nagiging kapansin-pansin sa bawat salita niya. Hindi ko rin maiwasang mag-isip ng ibang bagay—ang laki ng kanyang katawan, at parang may iba pa akong napapansin.

"Alam mo," sabi ko nang medyo nagiging malalim ang usapan, "wala namang masama kung maging totoo ka sa sarili mo."


Tumawa siya nang mahina. "Ikaw talaga, Ryan. Masyado kang seryoso."


Ngunit sa halip na magtapos ang usapan doon, tila may kakaibang tensyon na bumalot sa amin. Naging mas malapit ang aming mga tingin, at hindi ko inaasahan na si Kuya Jay ang unang kumilos. Ikinulong niya ako sa kanyang titig, tila sinasalamin ang lahat ng mga bagay na hindi namin nasasabi noon pa man.


Nakatitig ako sa kanyang mukha—ang guwapo niyang mukha. Lumapit siya at mas naging malapit ang mga katawan namin. Ramdam ko ang init ng kanyang balat, at bago ko pa man mabatid ang lahat, naramdaman ko ang kanyang kamay sa aking balikat, marahang hinihimas ito.


"Ryan," bulong niya, "huwag kang mag-alala. Alam kong matagal mo nang gustong malaman ito."


Hindi ako makapagsalita. Hindi ko alam kung paano magre-react, pero alam kong sa mga sandaling iyon, may nagbago sa relasyon namin bilang magpinsan. At sa paglapit pa niya, naramdaman ko ang init ng kanyang katawan na mas dumidikit sa akin.

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